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Seriously, in a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink, why is there only one Santa Claus?

with 3 comments

Lore Sjöberg wrote a provocative piece on It’s short so I’ll just share it here…
Santa Claus is coming to town. That’s great and all, but if you’re an American you probably enlist the services of the same Santa everyone else does: fat, jolly, dressed in fur, gives rich kids great presents and poor kids crap, always gives kids dolls and trains and other generic presents in the cartoons, but when it comes to real life he’s inexplicably down with major name brands.

Seriously, in a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink, why is there only one Santa Claus?

Surely this sort of monopoly can’t be good for competition. I want you to think long and hard about letting some other jolly old elf invade your home in the middle of the night this year. I happen to represent an entire line of Alt.Santas, each one wanting to be your holiday provider. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Objectivist Santa

As this Santa will tell you, the entire concept of “gift giving” is an immoral construction designed to perpetuate a contemptible society based on entitlement and the parasitic draining of those who have earned the fruits of their labors. That an innocent child would be indoctrinated to expect presents with no effort or capital invested into the exchange is an evil unseen since the days of Franklin Roosevelt. Objectivist Santa offers children a choice: They may have a copy of Atlas Shrugged, for which they must give up a beloved toy, or they may choose to writhe and mewl in ignorance, and receive nothing. Objectivist Santa only has to carry around one copy of Atlas Shrugged.

Atheist Santa

Who’s that coming down the chimney? Nobody — that’s ridiculous. Atheist Santa shows up in a gray Toyota Corolla and knocks on your door. Once you let him in and he has cookies and milk — come on, even atheists love cookies and milk — he will explain to your child that Santa may love all the children of the world, but he has never submitted his claims of flying reindeer and magical present delivery to James Randi, who would gladly pay a million dollars if presented with irrefutable proof of his wild claims. However, as a gesture of goodwill, Atheist Santa will leave your child with a set of wooden periodic-table blocks and a scale model of archaeopteryx.

Pagan Santa

That Christmas tree? Pagan. Those red and green lights? Pagan. That yule log, if anyone still had yule logs? Extremely pagan. Pagan Santa shows up in a breechcloth and antlers and enacts a battle between the Oak King and the Holly King, with the Oak King emerging triumphant as the Holly King returns to the womb to be born again. Once you retrieve your terrified children from under the couch, Pagan Santa will present to them a garland of mistletoe and a cone cow. Your child will emerge with a greater respect for old traditions, other cultures and the healing power of intensive therapy.

Parent Appreciation Santa

Let’s face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children’s feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that’s where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that’s why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. “I didn’t bring anything,” he explains, “but let’s open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could.”

Written by mediumtall

December 19, 2007 at 4:48 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Responses

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  1. That was awesome. I choose Objective Santa.


    December 20, 2007 at 4:31 am

  2. Curiously, the evil companions to St. Nicholas were brought to my attention recently. Many European traditions include various characters that represent the dark-side of Claus. The most famous of these is Black Peter, who primarily figures into Dutch and Austrian traditions. As long as you’re okay with the dark undertones, there are many anti-Clauses to choose from.

    Three Eyed Toad

    December 20, 2007 at 7:21 pm

  3. Objectivist Santa is my man. Atlas Shrugged rocks.

    Incidentally, the history channel has a great series about how the rituals of Christmas have come about:

    Happiest merriest merry!


    December 31, 2007 at 11:29 am

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